Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Pity party for 1...

I'm feeling kind of down and depressed this morning. I'm going to fight through it and get through my day though. I'm still going to be on time for school and i'm still going to work out. I'm just hoping that maybe talking about my feelings a little this A.M. will help.

I guess this feeling started yesterday, I knew i would run out of food and money by today but i've just been pushing it aside. Now that the event is here, I have no choice but to acknowledge it. I don't even have any food for lunch today and with 3 dollars in my account, there won't even be any subway. I'm just praying when i go out to my car i don't need gas. Of course this saga keeps turning me back to my weight. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I put on a pair of pants that had goten so big that when i put them on i could do so without unzipping and they would fall straight to the floor. Well they stayed up.

Thats not the only thing depressing me. How about i have a bug problem thats so severe i set off 13 bug bombs in my little 3 bedroom apartment thats largely on 1 floor except the attic bedroom and they are still everywhere. My landlord refuses to get an exterminator and only keeps bringing over sprays or gels and i have no money to go anywhere else. It's so bad i see them walking around as if they own the house. On the walls, the sink, on the toilet paper roll, On my dishes and the things i use to prepare my foods. I don't even bother trying to kill them because where do you begin? Its like stepping on one ant on an ant hill. I shake and check everything when i leave and my greatest fear is every day i'll miss one and it will crawl out of my bag at school. I already had them move to my car. How do i live like that? I don't know, I guess i try not to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it woould be madness and dispair on a level i'm ill prepared to handle.

I feel like i'm living a lie. I pretend i'm happy and it always works, sometimes for a long while, sometimes for a short while. usually what happens is that one thing gets through a chink in your armor and allows in a flood of whats wrong. Everyone always has the answer, I'm sure some of you in your mind have the answer too. Well just move, Is your house clean? Just do this and that. The reality isn't often so easy. There are not many who would ever choose to live my life just as most of you wouldn't choose to be obese. How many times have you heard, just stop eatting. just start exercising. It's not that simple is it. There are no easy and fast answers. I understand that and am realistic about it. Does it mean i have to like it or always accept it? No.

well it's time for me to whipe my tears, suck back the tide of misery as best i can, and get started on my day. ironically i have time to blog this morning because theres no lunch to prepare. I will get through this day because there is no going back. As awful as now is, I know it would be worse to give in and just hide my head under the covers. So i shoulder my burden and drag my feet one step at a time.

peace and blessing be with you all.

Patrick i don't have time to check your blog right now but if your reading this i'm praying for your wife still and really hope everything went well.



  1. Trina,

    I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, but have you tried Social Services? Emergency Assistance? Any program in your area to help people out in times of need? A local church?

    I know it is very humbling to ask for help, but being humble is a good thing.

    I just wanted to know I have the utmost respect for you blogging about your problems, giving others an insight, and pushing forward.

    God bless you! I'll keep you in my prayers. <3 Hang in there, girl!

  2. Ive tried a lot of things. The help that seems like is supposed to be there. Isn't always there, but thats ok. Thank you.

  3. I certainly hope that nobody blames you for your landlord reneging on his duty of care!