Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Everyday is a new day

Today I woke up feeling discouraged. Yet again the scale registered a gain. True it was only 1 pound. True it is not my regular weigh day, but as we know the scale has a magical pull, Though we may deny it, It calls to us. What it says can determine how the rest of our day goes. How we view life that day. A bad scale reading can turn your day into. I hate this house, I'm sick of my job, An entire montage of everything in our lives that we are unhappy about climbs onto the sucky merry-go-round of life and around and around we go. We think about how our friends will judge us. The former fatties, the still fatties, the non fatties, because lets face it,to us, everyone fits into one of those categories, they ALL judge whether they know it or not, admit it or not.  What is he/she doing wrong? Well if they're not losing clearly they aren't exercising enough, eating too much, not eating enough, overestimating what they're doing, not doing, to many carbs, not enough carbs, she ate chips yesterday, the cow! How dare she and say to me "I'm trying to lose weight"! The scale becomes those voices all rolled into one. Your ability, or inability to lose weight is tied to a wrongness in you. A sense of being weak, hopelessness and despair can ensue which of course makes everything worse..

But today, as I walked in the door of the gym, fought to keep my mind on track. (B.T.W. did you know when you don't focus and let your mind wander during exercise your HR drops! even if your body is moving at the same intensity as it was when you were focusing?) fought to keep the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness away. As I walked into work and read article after article, making plans to try new things. I realized I don't have to let the scale talk to me that way! I'll show that damn scale, my doctor, my friends, my family, you!! This is a new day! It's about me and my life. You don't know my story and you can't live it for me. The moment I got up and fought tears on my way to the gym, before I opened the door, before I climbed on the bike, before I ever got to work. I had won the battle!! I will keep fighting because everyday is a New Day! and battle by battle. I will win!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Weight loss the lonely highway

Today I decided to start blogging again. Why you ask? I dunno but it's been on my mind and I want to tackle the issue of support. Yesterday, I spoke to a loved one trying to get a perspective on changing gyms. At the one, I get access to an awesome trainer, her tips and her guidance. That's the plus. the minus is I can only attend that ONE gym and they don't have classes, but they do have spin bikes. Now I'm a spin class junky! The other gym, no trainer but I can go to any branch I want, multiple classes at multiple times and I'm a morning cardio person. Big plus is they open at 5 a.m.

So I attempt to talk to a loved one about this decision. One who is also trying to lose weight albeit differently. They immediately interrupt and pick apart each segment as I go through.Follow along with colors, I'm blue, they are red. Do you work out on Sunday? Well that shouldn't make a difference. I say no but they don't have a spin class, "well do they have spin bikes" yes but.. "then what more can they teach you on a stationary bike than you already know".. well there's variety and I learned something new last week.. "your saying the same thing over, what different are you learning you can't do by yourself, how much more can they teach you".. You don't understand, I'm not saying that what I'm trying to say is.. "I know what your trying to say and it's the same thing". "you just want to do what you want and that's it. Are you home now? I'm going to make my smoothie, click. (that was the phone hanging up. I sat wounded, in tears, there was more in between but it was all along that vein).

How do you explain to someone who has never taken the (any) class, and that thinks needing support is a sign of weakness. How do you get them to understand it's not just about the learning component. It's about the challenge, the unknown. You don't know what direction your going to get or when. How long you have to hold it, how high that knob has to go, How it's the chance to push yourself harder than you knew you could. When I spin alone. if i'm tired, I sit, Then I might stand, there's no challenge, it's just me, in an empty room, moving my legs, thinking stressful thoughts. Hurrying to get off. I'm lucky if I get through 30 minutes. How long will that hold up? How do you impart the rush of trying to keep up, not wanting to be the one still sitting when she shouts "position 3" to turn the resistance up and keep it up, when she's screaming, come on!! And in your head, lungs burning, thighs burning, sweat pouring is the thought "I can do it, I will do it! I will not be the one who sits down! The excitement of seeing your HR monitor register a HR you formerly thought would explode your heart if you saw that number! 45 minutes flying by like 15.. (ok.. 25).

Sigh how do you tell your loved one. It's ok if you don't get it, at least don't close your mind to ME, hear ME out, give me feedback on what it is I am saying. Which is, it's hard, Your opinion is important to me. I need you, my loved one to be in my corner, to at least pretend to try to understand. I went to spin class this morning. It was horrible. I fought tears, no focus, couldn't get and keep my HR up. Maybe we who need support are weak.. If we didn't what you think or have to say wouldn't matter so much.. I wonder how that would go over..